From 2017 into 2018 - What a Crazy Year!

It's that time of year again – specifically the end of the year. That means it's time for me to reflect on 2017 and needlessly share all of my thoughts with you. I'll try to keep it shorter than last year, but this was a crazy year so I make no promises.

How'd Those Resolutions Go?

Apparently I made five resolutions for 2017. Let's go through them one by one and see how I did.

2017 Resolution #1: Finish drafting and seek publication on my novel

Yeah, I just didn't do that. I got away from the novel for a few months, and then realized that I had lost interest in it and was getting much more invested in my new ideas, and when I finally got back to writing Nothing But The Boots it just felt like a chore. I still liked the characters and many of the plot points, but the whole novel just felt like a jumbled mess. The primary problems were that I had conceptualized it when I only had a very basic idea for how to write a novel, so it just wasn't structured very well and I wasn't adequately prepared to write it, and as a result of that I had done so many rewrites to major characters and plot points that I had trouble remembering where exactly I was headed with the latest draft or what was "real" in the story anymore. When this year's NaNoWriMo came around, which is typically the biggest thing that kicks me back into writing, I made the decision to work on something else entirely, which has been going so well that I've started to finally think of Nothing But The Boots as a failure I can finally walk away from. While that was still a tough decision, it's made easier knowing that I've learned many valuable lessons in storytelling and novel writing as the result of that process, which I've carried with me into writing my next novel.

2017 Resolution #2: Write more and post stories online

I kind of did this one! I can't say that I "wrote more" necessarily, but in the start of the year I did continue writing stories based on writing prompts on Reddit, which I posted to my dedicated subreddit over there. However I fell out of the habit of looking for writing prompts around halfway through the year so that I could focus on writing for Cook, Serve, Delicious! 2!! 

2017 Resolution #3: Learn to play an instrument

Okay, so I admitted in my resolution that this one was the most far-fetched and unlikely. Appropriately, I barely even started working on this one before I moved on to other projects.

2017 Resolution #4: Lose weight and get in shape

In 2016 I lost 10lbs, and in 2017 I gained 10lbs. I definitely failed this one for a plethora of excuses I won't bother you with.

2017 Resolution #5: Explore my area more

Due to the project of finishing part of our basement, which took up most weekends of the better parts of the year, my wife and I didn't get to hike or go to community events as much in 2017 as we had the year before. That was a bummer, but it's what comes with taking on a huge home project that we're ultimately incredibly happy with. The good news is that I can still consider this resolution partially complete, as we tried out many more local restaurants this year than perhaps ever before!

2017 Summarized

I wrote for a video game that has gone on to be successful. My wife and I (with huge help from her dad) finished part of our basement and turned it into a beautiful home theater room. We visited both North Carolina (again) and South Dakota. I tried a lot of new restaurants, watched a lot of movies, and read a lot of books (and I got back into reading and collecting comic books). I pickled a lot of home-grown yellow peppers. I took part in Camp NaNoWriMo for the first time and started writing a new novel I'm really excited about during regular NaNoWriMo.

A new friend of mine took her own life, and the only grandfather I've ever known lost his. Two of my friends revealed to me that their significant others were physically abusing them. One of my best friends started fostering two children. A coworker friend revealed to me that he's going to be a father. My wife dealt with repeated sinus infections, back pains, and other afflictions while continuing to be the most wonderful and inspiring partner I could ever hope to have. I swear to all the gods on Mt. Olympus that my dog gets cuter every damn day.

In short, it's been a busy year full of highs and lows.

Resolutions for 2018

Bear with me, but some of these are going to be a bit familiar:

2018 Resolution #1: Finish drafting and seek publication on my latest novel

As I said, I've started writing something new this year that I'm really excited about, so I'd love to make some more real progress on that.

2018 Resolution #2: Write more and post stories online

The 2017 resolution that was very similar to this one (okay, it was the same thing) got bogged down by other projects. In 2018, I hope to be able to focus more on short story writing and making them more accessible to the world.

2018 Resolution #3: Lose weight and get in shape

I've actually recently gotten into the habit of working out more in the last month or so, so hopefully in 2018 I actually meet this goal instead of doing the complete opposite.

2018 Resolution #4: Read most of the books I own that I haven't read

I got a lot of books for last Christmas and my birthday that I still haven't read, and on top of that, my wife went to a huge book clearance event this autumn and bought even more that I haven't read, mostly because I got distracted reading other things this past year. This year I just need to stop reading books I don't own and instead focus on reading the ones I own. Simple.

2018 Resolution #4: Hike More

My wife and I hiked quite a bit in 2016, but then that habit took a back seat this year to finishing part of our basement, which took up most of our weekend free time. It was a total bummer to have to spend so many warm days inside and underground, and no doubt that partially contributed to my weight gain. That being said, I'm excited to be able to get back outside and hike more trails in 2018!

Wish me luck, and I wish everyone a happy and prosperous 2018!

-Ryan

Her Name Was Lauren Tank.

I just found out today that my dear friend, Lauren Tank, took her own life sometime on Monday.

I didn't know Lauren very long, but as soon as we met I wished we had. We officially first met only a few months ago at work when she recognized me in the elevator as someone who had gone to the same grade/middle school with her, albeit a year apart. It was at the end of the day on our way home, so I didn't get to really respond to her until the next day.

I sent her a message in the work chat system, and right off the bat it was easy to see that she and I had a lot in common, and that she was quite an infectiously delightful person. It also became apparent that, if a friendship were to develop, it would soon be strained by the effects of long distance.

Here is a transcript of the start of that conversation:

December 14, 2016
Matejka, Ryan [8:24 AM]:
Hey! It’s me from the elevator yesterday with the shared dark past.
Tank, Lauren [8:25 AM]:
Haha! Hello! How are you?
Matejka, Ryan [8:25 AM]:
interestingly, Matt in sales(?) was also from StMM
I had to figure out your name using LinkedIn by the way, so you’ve got a request from me there now. I’m doing pretty good though, how about yourself?
Tank, Lauren [8:26 AM]:
I’m pretty fantastic, actually! I’m actually moving to southern California in like three weeks. Sad, though, because I love working here at HBI, but awesome because it’s like 65 degrees over there right now
I guess it sounds like HBI is full of people I knew from different chapters of my life. Elizabeth was in my sorority pledge class in college, you’re here, Matt (who I don’t think I’ve ever heard of) is here, no doubt somebody from my high school is here lurking somewhere
Matejka, Ryan [8:28 AM]:
ugh jealous. Long have I fantasized about moving out west to pursue a career in screenwriting and general awesomeness
I actually have some in-laws out there
Tank, Lauren [8:29 AM]:
You should consider up and doing it someday! Work on screenplays in your spare time over the years and when the time is right, just do it.
Or find any job out there and try to work on film-related things in your spare time

We talked about movies (especially Fight Club), television shows, and how Fall Out Boy's best album is obviously Folie à Deux, no matter what everyone else says! She shared "dank memes" and advice on how to "acquire The Sims 4 from some Swedish friends with a pirate ship, if you get my drift." In return, I filled up her USB stick with episodes of the HBO show Westworld, Chuck Palahniuk e-books, and music by pop-punk band Neck Deep.

Talking to Lauren was the easiest thing in the world. She held nothing back. She made you immediately at ease.

I joined her for lunch on her last day at work. She couldn't stop talking about how excited she was that she was certain her boyfriend was going to propose to her either on Christmas or New Year's Eve. I briefly contemplated asking for a selfie with her to mark the occasion, then shook the thought away because I assumed Lauren was "too cool" for that kind of sentimental bullshit.

We kept in touch after she moved, mostly sharing Rick and Morty memes. I kept asking her if she finally listened to "December [again]" by Neck Deep - a song I was certain she would love, but she would always apologize and say she'd get around to it later.

Today, I logged onto Facebook and was just about to ask her what was up when I scrolled through my wall to find a message from one of her friends wishing that she'd rest in peace. Frantically, I checked her profile page to see that it was full of more of the same messages from friends and loved ones.

I can't describe the feeling. I was in denial. I was sad. I was angry. Even more so I was confused, because not a single post referenced what had actually happened and I'd just spoken to her a few days ago.

I looked up what was the last thing she messaged me:

March 14, 2017
Lauren Tank
I have had it with these motherfucking snakes on this motherfucking plane
Ryan Matejka
*record scratch sound* so did you ever listen to the songs I sent you?
Lauren Tank
Fuuuck I'm a bad friend. I forgot.
Ryan Matejka
If it makes you feel better I only played a little bit of Sims 4
Lauren Tank
Oh it worked for you? Good!
Ryan Matejka
Yup, and now I've been downloading shit like crazy

Well, it wasn't anything special, but at least I didn't let her end it on "I'm a bad friend," because that just wasn't true.

At this point, I still didn't know exactly what happened to her, but an idea crept into my brain; "please let it be literally anything except suicide."

I'm not a religious man, so the idea of eternal hell wasn't what worried me about suicide so much as the thought of such a bright spot in my life (and likely so many others) spending her last moments in a hopeless misery. She deserved so much better than that.

I left the building and cried. I fell against a wall, buried my head in my hands, and just cried.

No matter what happened, this is a tragedy.

"Life is short, random, and meaningless," I thought to myself. "We'd all do well to remember that and make the best of every second."

I don't believe that Lauren is "in a better place" and I'll never fully understand the mentality behind taking one's own life unless it is to avoid absolutely certain pain and suffering, but I suppose that in Lauren's mind that's what her future held. Depression is a real bitch. It numbs you to your core and prevents you from seeing the possibility of a happy future despite all evidence to that effect. I don't believe that Lauren is "in a better place," but I take a very, very small amount of solace that her suffering is over and that her death was in her own hands and not someone else's. Of course, that still does nothing to diminish the fact that this is, no matter how you slice it, a tragedy.

I'll end on a modified quote that she loved from Fight Club and one of her favorite songs from Folie à Deux.

"In Project Mayhem, we have no names.
But in death, a member of Project Mayhem has a name.
Her name was Lauren Tank."

"That’s the thing about new music - the best tracks are often hidden in albums and much ignored. For example, nobody cares about the song Tiffany Blews off Folie a Deux but it’s suuuuch a great song"

- Lauren Tank

May she rest in peace.

Exciting Existence

As seems to be the norm, a lot is going on in my life right now. Here are some updates separated by topic, so that you may skip to what most interests you about my exciting existence:

Grandpa:

My grandpa is doing better. I just saw him (he's now in a rehabilitation facility rather than the hospital) and despite the fact that he's eating out of a tube and he's lost weight he barely had, he's back to his old self.

When I originally saw him in the hospital he was looking pathetic (for lack of a more appropriate word). He had been lying in a bed, hooked up to machines and feeling like his life was at its end. Of course, his life was at an end; as far as I could tell he'd come dangerously close to passing, and his entire attitude had changed. It's sad to see how much a fear of death will change people who believe it's quickly coming for them. I don't think I'll ever forget how sad he was - believing that his time was almost up.

That was not the case when I most recently saw him. He was up, walking around, talking in his normal tone, speed, and volume as if nothing were wrong. He even did a little dance to show us how good he's feeling (an unexpected side effect of being fed the exact perfect balance of nutrients through a tube seems to be that he feels absolutely fantastic). It's good to know that a disaster was averted.

Uncle:

I wish I could say the same for my uncle. The idea that Mickey is no longer ... a person at all ... still haunts me. I've still not had time for a "proper" grieving (no funeral, as was his wish, but no family gathering yet either), though I doubt that would make me feel much different than I do now. It's just not fair; loosing someone so close so suddenly. It seems that the cliché is true; I'd do anything to talk to him just once more. For the most part I try not to think about it, or I think about it in some sort of abstract, segmented way where I think about the idea of me not being able to talk to him just now, rather than think about the fact that I'll never see or speak to him again.

Wedding:

The wedding is fast approaching (June 14th, mark your calendars!), and I cannot wait! We've met with the coordinator at the hotel (we're doing everything in one location, so people don't have to waste time driving around), my fiancée continues to check things off on the to-do list while I'm at work and she's not, and tonight we'll be taking advantage of a free dance lesson. Aside from the obvious fact that I'm excited to be getting married, it's a bit odd to wrap my head around after being together for six years, living together for four, and being engaged for three. It's weird to think it's finally happening, but it's about damn time.

Writing:

Writing my novel continues to be an educational experience. It's clearly my first real attempt, because I've only gotten a few chapters in and have already had to go back multiple times to change or add details to fit my continually growing idea for what the book should be. All of the changes, I feel, are for the better, but I wish I'd had the foresight to iron out such details before I began writing so that I could just write the damn thing from beginning to end rather than go back and change so many details before I move on. Unfortunately I'm a perfectionist, so I refuse to move on until what I have written is perfect!

Reading:

I'm actively in the middle of three books right now: Doomed by Chuck Palahniuk (hardcover, signed by the author), Gone Girl by Gillian Flynn (e-book via my Nook), and Under The Dome by Stephen King (audio book, from the library). There are a few others that I'm in the middle of, but stalled on (my goodreads.com shelf says there are three, but there are perhaps more), not all of which I intend to finish. Gone Girl is by far the best of them, and I'm nearly done with it. Under The Dome is good, but in typical Stephen King style I'm on the sixth disc and not a lot of plot has really happened, which I'm not a fan of. Doomed is by far the most disappointing, since Palahniuk is my favorite author and I loved the original (called Damned) and it has almost none of the things that made the first one good. It's not bad, exactly, but it's nowhere near as good as everything else I've read by him.

Work:

Work is going well. My internship has been extended through September, giving me some more time to impress my superiors and prove to them that they are, indeed, in need of a full-time copywriter. I wish they'd just give me an answer one way or the other already (full time, part time, freelance, or out on my rear-end), but I'll take what I can get. It's not great news, but it certainly isn't bad.

Perhaps I should blog more often so I can make my posts shorter.

-Ryan

Dream Diary: Heart Attack in New York

I'm pleased to say that I had another interesting dream this past night that I was able to recall this morning.

My fiancée and I were traveling, and at first we came to a beach. I remember something happening at the beach (though not as dramatic as the dream I didn't blog about where we had a beach house invaded by violent kids while we slept and I had to defend us with a shotgun), but I cannot recall the specifics. I think that there might have also been a water park on the beach, but I cannot be sure.

Eventually the setting changed to New York, which we were visiting for the first time. We had split off to do some touring/shopping separately. I happened to run into a guy who was a good friend of mine in high school but have since become distant from, and he and I walked around checking things out while my fiancée did some shopping on her own (or with a friend? I don't remember).

To put this next bit into context, you should know that occasionally I've been having light dizzy spells that come and go at random, but have been pretty far spread apart. I should probably see a doctor about it, but I haven't yet as it comes and goes so quickly and sporadically that it's not something I even remember soon after.

I began to feel dizzy, and I told my friend that I wasn't feeling well and had to sit down (we found a nice cafe-style place outdoors on the sidewalk). The sensation didn't subside as it usually does, instead it grew greater until I came to the conclusion that I was in need of medical care for what I considered to be a heart attack (though it obviously didn't share the symptoms typically associated with it), and I shouted for my friend to call an ambulance.

As we waited for it to arrive, my fiancée happened to run into us, and I recall her surprising me from behind (shopping bags in arm), leaning over my shoulder to say hello and how was I doing? I told her that I wasn't feeling well and was afraid that I was having a heart attack. She kissed me. I woke up.

It's quite interesting what kind of things the mind can cook up when it has nothing to do.
-Ryan

Uncle Mickey

As you know, my grandfather has been in the hospital for a little while now. So when my mother told me on the phone that she was going to visit me to deliver something that I didn't absolutely need, the thought crossed my mind that she was coming to tell me in person that something had happened to her father while in the hospital.

What she and my father came to tell me turned out to be, from my perspective, much worse. Firstly I should clarify that I love my grandfather and I will be terribly upset when his time comes, but I've already started to come to terms with the fact that his time is running out, and he hasn't had nearly as huge of an impact on my life as my uncle did.

Just like that, past tense.

Did.

My parents came to tell me that my uncle, Michael "Mickey" Matejka, died suddenly and seemingly peacefully in his home on Monday night or Tuesday morning.

Uncle Mickey was an amazing guy. He never asked for anything and yet he deserved so much. He was so giving that he wouldn't let us pay for his birthday dinner when we would go out to celebrate every year, he instead insisted that he pay for everyone's dinner for his own birthday.

I have nothing but fond memories of Uncle Mickey. From kindergarten through 8th grade he would pick my brother and I up from school on Thursdays. Even through high school he would take us out for ice cream, and in the summer he would still find time to see us every week to take us out to a movie and ice cream or lunch.

He always asked the waitresses/waiter if they were in school. He always tipped better if they were.

One of my fondest memories of him is when, on June 26th 2003, he took me to Summerfest. I'd been to Summerfest just about every year as far back as I can remember, but this was the first and only time that it was just the two of us. We arrived early, and spent the day walking around listening to new bands, Peter Gabriel, and then "Weird Al" Yankovic. At the Peter Gabriel concert we shared a pack of above-average-tasting raw hot dogs that he'd been carrying around all day because he'd forgotten to give them to my father (his brother) earlier that day, and we were two of the few (if any) people who got upgraded from the free grass seating to the low-cost chair seats "because we look like father and son," according to my uncle. It was an amazing day.

On that very day, as luck would have it, in that age before cell phones had cameras, we got our picture taken by a booth promoter with an instant camera.

As you can probably tell by the photo, he was an upbeat guy. Uncle Mickey loved to laugh. His laugh was distinct; loud and rough, and you couldn't go very long talking to him without hearing it. With Uncle Mickey, everything was funny. He even found reason to laugh at his own misfortunes, which is something I took as a lesson for myself.

And boy did he have misfortunes. Either Uncle Mickey was an incredibly unlucky guy, or he just wasn't too shy to talk about his bad luck. From being born on a date that would later be known for hijacked planes and tragedy, to an ex-girlfriend who drove him on the wrong side of the freeway, to being accused of carrying a bomb and getting surrounded by police and the bomb squad when he was a mailman, Uncle Mickey had no shortage of stories to look back on and laugh about.

Another quirky trait of his that has become an inside joke to my brother and I was his distinct ability to misremember the names of the restaurants we frequently ate at. No matter how many times we corrected him, "The Charcoal Grill" became "The Charcoal Broil" and "Culver's" became "Carvell's" or "Carvers". It didn't matter to him what they were called, as long as we wanted to join him there.

Overall my uncle Mickey was a fantastic guy. He was a huge part of my childhood and continues to be a huge influence in my life. I feel obligated to say that this just isn't fair and that he needed more years, but the truth is that fairness has nothing to do with it and he lived a full life - it is I who wants more years and more memories with him. He always said that when his time came he preferred it happened in his sleep, and while I don't know the details of his final moments at the time of writing this, from what little I know it sounds like it was peaceful, and he deserved at least that much.

I love him very much, and I will miss him terribly.
-Ryan