The Internet Likes My Grandpa

While at my mom's birthday party, I nabbed my brother's fancy expensive DSLR camera and started taking some photos with it. One of these photos was a low-angle shot of my Grandpa sitting outside listening to that day's Brewers game against the Diamondbacks. I thought it turned out pretty good, and I did some post-processing to give the photo a bit of extra life. Check out the result:

Click to enlarge.

Overall, I was pretty pleased with it. It's rich in color and texture - particularly thanks to the juxtaposition of the faded fence and colorful old license plates in the background against the lush green plants in the foreground and hints of blue in the table and chairs - and my Grandpa's expression and posture really sells what's happening in the photo; you can tell something really interesting (or is it disappointing?) is going on with the baseball game just by looking at him. Without audio, you can see the baseball game in your mind.

I thought, "Looks neat. I'll post it to Reddit and see what they think."

I never could have imagined the reaction I would get.

I posted the photo on a the r/itookapicture community of photographers who share and discuss their creations in the medium with the title "I took a picture of my Grandpa listening to a baseball game" along with this description:

My Grandpa has survived war, cancer, and multiple heart attacks. He's been constantly in and out of the hospital for three years now for various issues and can no longer consume food orally, instead feeding his stomach directly through a tube.
Born in 1932 and the oldest of his living family, nothing can keep this man down.

 The response was positive and overwhelming. I'll share just a few of my favorites here:

My Grandfather was also born in 1932. He was through a hell of a lot as well, much like your Grandfather.
This brought tears to my eyes because during the baseball season you could always find him sitting outside listening to the game on the radio. I'd sit there with him and have a beer, often the only sounds being made was the announcer. Some of the best moments of my life - in their utter simplicity.
Lost him 3 years ago and miss him every damn day - he was my best friend and mentor. Cherish this time, friend. Thank you for sharing.

-  bHarv44

I really enjoy this photo. His raised eyebrow is such a treat.

- blahman135

He looks like the white version of Hector Salamanca [?]

- motown_philly

When we were at baseball games or watching football or whatever, my grandpa would say "wake up out there" 10 to 12 times throughout the course, whenever he thought our guys were fucking up, then go back to his box scores. OP, your grandpa looks like he's about to say the same exact thing.

- BlackMetalBanjo

I love this so much. And I really like the radio being in focus, because the radio is the whole focus of the moment!

- Flinkle

Your grandpa is my spirit animal.

- crypticthree

The photo was so popular that it quickly shot up to the #1 spot of the day, #1 of the week, #4 of the past month, and #21 of the year (currently it sits at just over 3,000 upvotes). In fact, it was so popular that it was chosen as a featured photo on the community's official Instagram page:

Click to enlarge.

Wow, what an honor for my humble photo to be getting such exposure! Photos on my own Instagram page typically get between 10-30 likes (my current highest peaked at 64 - and none else have touched it), but as you can see by the above screenshot, being posted on the reddit_itap account has gotten 94 likes and counting!

I felt a wave of pride and accomplishment in knowing that the photo had not only been seen by so many people, but that it had connected with so many! Of course, I assumed that was the end of it, except one user suggested I take the photo over to another community, r/redditgetsdrawn, where users can post photos and others can opt to draw them. There, one very talented user with the name thefutureeye did an amazing job on this:

Click to enlarge.

So yeah, that's definitely getting printed and framed. It just goes to show that you never know what kind of awesome stuff can happen to you in this crazy world.

Check out the full Reddit Thread here.

-Ryan

From 2015 into 2016

Firstly, concerning my 2015 resolution

So there's this novel I've been working on since my last semester of college when a bunch of girls in my writing workshop class told me that they loved one of my short stories and wanted more. At the end of last year, I made the resolution to finally finish the first draft of that novel in 2015.

Today is the last day of 2015, and while I did finish the first draft of a novel this year (for the first time), it was for a completely unrelated story that I started and finished during the month of November for NaNoWriMo.

While I admit it's a huge bummer to not have a draft done of that college story yet, I'm proud of what I have accomplished in writing this year. I've written a 50,000 word novel from beginning to end, gotten a freelance job writing for a video game that I truly believe in, and am so incredibly close to finishing that college story that I can taste it!

And now, everything else 2015

This year, I've also been making more friends of coworkers than I thought I would, purchased a house along with my lovely wife, adopted the most adorable and fun dog on the planet, and continued to try eating more vegetables.

As far as my hobbies go, I've read several books (The Girl on the Train, Orange is the New Black, The Black Echo, The Girl with All The Gifts, Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, Survivor, etc.), seen countless movies (Mad Max, Star Wars, Ex Machina, Nightcrawler, Inside Out, Brooklyn, It Follows, Whiplash, The Guest, John Wick, and so many more), listened to a hell of a lot of music (Halsey, Grimes, The Weeknd, Panic! At The Disco, Melody Gardot, Purity Ring, Nero, and holy crap so much more), but played mostly one video game (Xcom: Enemy Unknown).

So, what about next year?

More. More of everything. More novel drafts, more freelance opportunities, more fun at work, more projects on the house, more playtime with my dog, more books to read, more movies to watch, more music to thrive on, more Xcom (the sequel comes out soon), and - of course - much more time with my amazing, caring, fun, can't-survive-without-her wife!

Maybe not as many more vegetables, though. We're starting to get down to the really weird ones.

Oh yeah, and a million times more Tactical Laser Tag. It has seriously been too long since I did that.

-Ryan

Introducing Henna

That beautiful dog up there is Henna; the latest addition to the Matejka family. She's presumed to be a mixture of a corgi and a cattle dog, which is why she's so adorably short and short-haired.

The Story of Her Adoption

The story of her adoption is a funny one. It all started three weeks ago on a Monday when my dog-starved wife told me that she'd decided that adopting a dog wouldn't be ideal this early in our home-ownership since it would increase monthly cost and decrease free time, both of which are necessary to complete the finishing touches on our home such as installing a patio in the back yard and finishing the basement. Then, on Tuesday morning, she was browsing the local Humane Society website and found this adorable dog that she told me we just HAD to adopt, partially because it's a mix of her favorite breed (corgi) and mine (cattle dog) and partially because the dog was two years old and would thus likely need little-to-no training. I scoffed at the idea at first since I assumed she was being impulsive or making a joke, but she convinced me to use my break at work to drive to the Humane Society, see the dog, and report back to her for possible adoption later that night.

You see, while the Humane Society that this particular little dog was at happens to be about an hour away from our house, it's only about fifteen minutes away from my job, and I get an hour-long lunch break. I cleared the break with my boss, recruited a fellow coworker to come with me for added perspective, and at noon we drove together all the way to the Humane Society only to find out that it did not open until 2pm.

I reported this back to my wife, who was determined to get to this dog before anyone else. She gets off of work half an hour before I do (and lives much closer to our home/further from the Humane Society), and proclaimed that she would drive to see the dog herself after work and I could meet her there to discuss possible adoption.

So I get out of work and, for the second time that day, drive over to see the dog that may or may not become our future pet. I get to the shelter, find my wife, and guess what she tells me?
"They won't let us be with her," she says, a tremble in her voice. Though I do detect sadness in her tone, it is overwhelmed with anger and annoyance.
"What do you mean?" I ask, worried that all this has been for naught.
"She's going to be on Fox news tomorrow, and they won't let anyone near her until they open tomorrow at 2pm."
"So we can't even play with her to see if she's a good fit for us before wasting our time with another trip tomorrow?"
"Right."
"So they're using her to promote adoption, but they won't let anyone genuinely interested in adopting her get close to her?"
"Yeah."
"So they're turning it into a game. They're turning the adoption of a dog in need into a show and a contest."
"Basically."
"I'm calling Fox."

It turned out that the Fox offices were "closed" for the day, and we had to settle for talking to the woman (a volunteer) at the front desk. She explained that, because Henna would be on the news the next morning, there might be people waiting as early as 20 minutes before the place opens to adopt her. She advised that I arrive 30 minutes early to be first.

So I decided to arrive 40 minutes early in case she suggested 30 minutes to anyone else. After arriving 40 minutes early (thanks to an understanding boss who allowed me to take off early for the day and make up the missed time later), I was let into the building by a volunteer, but other people who came after me weren't so lucky. I got to gleefully watch them try the locked door, see that the building was closed, and leave. One mother arrived and stayed early with their kids, and it turned out they wanted to check out Henna as well. Luckily the Humane Society is very strict about their first-come-first-serve policy, so I got to see her, play with her, and adopt her without any of the kids even getting close.

She rode shotgun all the way home.

Henna's Demeanor

Henna is the type of dog who's almost always ready and willing to play (especially with toys that make noise) while also being comfortable with relaxing for a bit instead. She's very polite, friendly, and outgoing.

She's also doesn't respond to any commands, did her "business" inside the house for the first few days (and occasionally still does), and is terrified of getting into vehicles. The Humane Society didn't know anything about her except that she was from Kentucky, so we don't know if she had any training or even if she had an owner. Luckily she's a quick learner, so while my wife and I have had to train her more than we'd expected of a two-year-old dog, we've had to be less vigilant about it than we would have to be for a new puppy.

Here's a video of her madly squeaking a toy:

It's been a few weeks, and she's making progress in her training. We're also working very carefully with her to get her comfortable with riding in cars, which is very important since she'll be taking a five-hour car ride with us when we go vacationing up north in a few weekends. As a bonus, I managed to get my hand on the footage of her on the news from the day we adopted her!

Henna is already providing many more laughs, "awes," and much more love to the Matejka house, and my wife and I are proud to give her a forever home.

-Ryan

Homeownership!

Fantastic news! Today is the last day I'm not a homeowner!

My wife and I will be getting the keys to our first home together tomorrow evening, moving everything in on Saturday, sorting it all out on Sunday, and hopefully enjoying a relaxing day off of work on Monday.

Living in an apartment has been alright, but we've watched way too much HGTV to really enjoy it anymore. Three bedrooms, one and a half bathrooms, a medium-sized kitchen, a dining room, two-car garage, a large yard, and unfinished basement (which we, of course, intend to finish into an awesome den) await us in our new home. What's better is that, though we were willing to purchase something cheaper that could use some updating (so we could customize it to our wants and have a smaller mortgage), this place was not only in our budget, but had been recently "flipped" to include all new kitchen appliances, beautiful refinished original wood floors throughout, and basement walls that won't be shifting anytime soon.

While my wife is all excited about decking out the interior (and exterior, to add "curb appeal" as she puts it), I'm perhaps most excited to start practicing my recent interest in gardening. The biggest thing missing from being apartment-dwellers, after all, has been a yard to take care of, and the idea of little seeds producing edible food is like magic to me! Taking care of a peace lily in our apartment has been surprisingly fun, and I cannot wait to be able to grow even more plants!

Oh yeah, and until we start popping out children, which is a part of the long-term plan that this house gets us one step closer to, I get to have my very own office at home in which to write!

It feels a bit surreal that I'm already married and moving into a house, but I couldn't be more excited! After all, I'm fairly certain that I said I wanted to be "married and living in a house" in the ten-year goal I filled out in 8th grade (ten years ago) - or was it a five-year goal and I've just always been really, really eager?

Maybe I'll start blogging about my garden, or the patio we're going to build ASAP for the combined house warming/anniversary party we plan to throw, or other home-related things!

-Ryan

What is it Like Being Married?

As a newlywed of just over two months, I get asked a certain question quite a bit. Of course, sometimes the question is phrased slightly differently but it's ultimately the same question.

What is it like being married?

To be clear, the individuals asking me this question are not asking in the sense that a child might; blissfully unaware what a life commitment to someone else feels like. For the most part the people asking me are married themselves, and so the question boils down to several completely different questions such as:

• Do you regret getting married?
• Are you happy being married?
• Is it difficult being married?
• What has changed in the relationship?
• Does the relationship feel different than it did before?

The thing is that for my wife and I, marriage is no different than engagement was. We were engaged for three years, lived together for four, and had been together for six. All of the milestones that were expected of a traditional marriage had already been passed.

And isn't that the way it should be? One family friend of mine, after asking us this question and hearing our response, was genuinely surprised. But why should being married be any different than being engaged? Shouldn't we be just as emotionally and physically comfortable and committed to each other as we were the day before we said our vows? Why leave anything a surprise after we had been together and in love for so long? By experiencing everything in a relationship that we could with each other before marriage, we were that much more prepared to be with each other; our fears were settled when our separate lives mixed perfectly together, and when they didn't we worked hard to learn how to make them mix.

• We both like keeping our living space clean and tidy? Perfect!
• We have different preferences for how to spend our free time together? Okay, let's figure out a mutually beneficial compromise to avoid further conflict!

If nothing changed, what's the point?

I don't think I've actually gotten this question, but I'm sure there are some people who may think it, so I will address it thusly:

When I was young and did not understand homosexuality, I asked someone why a man would marry another man, "for the tax breaks, which is why they shouldn't be allowed to" they told me. Could the same be argued for my wife and I? Should we not have been allowed to marry simply because the only thing that changed was that we are now financially and legally responsible for each other? Were we wrong to want to marry simply because nothing in our relationship would change?

To digress for a moment; in my opinion, marriage is such an odd thing for the government to be involved with in the first place; as my wife and I signed up for our marriage license I couldn't help but wonder what business the government had why people got married? Does it really make a difference if they're not man and woman, in love, and living and sleeping in separate bedrooms?

In our case, we married not only for the tax breaks, but also for the symbolic gesture of committing our lives to each other. We have made a loud and clear statement in front of all of our family and friends that we will be monogamous to each other and care and love for each other for as long as we live. We married to celebrate and reaffirm the promises we have made to each other every day. That was the point.

Aren't you missing out on something?

Not even in the slightest. I've got everything I could want out of marriage; a fantastic party I'll remember forever, a ring on my finger, a new perspective on our relationship, and all the legal stuff that comes with it.

Honestly when I consider the relationship I have with my wife and compare it to others that I know, I'd say that I've got it even better than most do. Corey and I are not only husband and wife, but we're best friends. We rarely argue, we never get tired of "hanging out" with each other, we can rely on each other when we need each other the most, we still surprise each other with how in sync our thoughts are at times, and overall we make each other's lives much easier to live and deal with than anyone else.

I've met people who talk about having a "love/hate" relationship with their spouse, people who don't talk to their spouse for hours on end out of spite, and married couples who seem to get along fine but don't show any sign of the "spark" that some don't even believe exists. None of those applies to me. When I think about the relationship I have with my wife, I can easily relate it to the best of marriages that you see in the movies; the ones that are supposed to be works of fiction. Granted we have our share of issues, but the positives so much outweigh the negatives that they seem to not exist at all most of the time.

In short, my wife is the best thing that's ever happened to me, and asking her to marry me was the smartest thing I've ever done.
-Ryan

Wait, what do you mean by "a new perspective on our relationship"?

Sorry, you're right; I didn't explain that. While nothing has physically changed in our routines and lives, I must admit that I feel a bit different since getting married.

I feel like a wolf.

What I mean is that, like a wolf, I have chosen a mate for life and I feel a strong natural urge to protect and care for my pack.

-Ryan

Update September 2, 20141: Since publishing this post it has been brought to my attention that wolves do not always mate for life. I feel like one of the wolves that do.

My Bachelor Party

My bachelor party was this past Saturday, and I thought I'd share with you how it went.

The night consisted of a private 1.5 hour session of tactical lazer tag, followed by drinks, food, and games at my best man's house.

Firstly, let me clear up what I mean by "Tactical Lazer Tag." Many people (including several in my party) were under the impression that it would be a silly, childish game with "pew pew" noises and neon lights. I wonder where they got that idea from?

(How I Met Your Mother, copyright CBS)

It's nothing like that. We went to CMP Tactical, which is a bit more like this:

(CMP Tactical Lazer Tag)

Without getting too much into how it works, the simple fact is that everything was made to simulate a realistic tactical gun combat experience. From the weight of the guns, to the sound of a bullet casing bouncing on the ground after the initial sound of a gunshot, everything was grounded in reality. We played five different game modes (one we played twice since we had extra time), and some personal highlights include me capturing the flag for my team, as well as being the last man standing in a mode in which my team had no respawns, but the opposing team did. I had an incredible moment where I was crouched in a corner, shot an enemy, and had to reload as I heard someone coming up behind me. Immediately after my reload was complete (it takes a few seconds) my best man came up from the corner behind me and met his end. If I'd reloaded a second later, I'd have been dead.

After all was said and done, everyone had a fantastic time. All of the skeptics who thought the experience would be silly and lame were convinced otherwise. Best of all was that our teams were each a good mix of people who'd never met.

One of my goals for the bachelor party was to get all the guys to bond with each other so that, come the time of my wedding, they won't feel like they don't know anyone (I had a mix of friends from high school, college, work, and even my and the best man's fathers, most of whom had never met each other before). I'm confident that the bachelor party has ensured that the wedding will be even more enjoyable for the guests.

Food and drinks afterwards went well. I remember most of it, but there was a trivia game which required me to drink a shot if I got the question wrong, and drink a shot if I got it right. Needless to say I quickly became a blubbering mess with my emotions all over the place. There are videos of me, but I don't have the heart to watch them, especially since I can honestly say I've never been "wasted" drunk before then. On that note, I can also say that I've now experienced a real hangover, unlike the mild ones I'm used to.

Perhaps the most interesting event of the night was actually internal, rather than external. Having been with my wife-to-be for six years, I've gotten quite used to her being around. People talk about their bachelor parties being a "last hurrah" or a "goodbye to their manhood," but although I had a lot of fun, there were several points in the night that I found myself wishing she were with me. I don't see marriage as the end of anything, because I'm marrying my best friend, and the coolest person to be with. This mentality, combined with many nice words and wishes from my guests (including from my brother-in-law-to-be, who said he was proud of me and that I was "part of the family"), has only strengthened my resolve to be married to my high school sweetheart.

And I will be, in only 47 days.

-Ryan

Uncle Mickey

As you know, my grandfather has been in the hospital for a little while now. So when my mother told me on the phone that she was going to visit me to deliver something that I didn't absolutely need, the thought crossed my mind that she was coming to tell me in person that something had happened to her father while in the hospital.

What she and my father came to tell me turned out to be, from my perspective, much worse. Firstly I should clarify that I love my grandfather and I will be terribly upset when his time comes, but I've already started to come to terms with the fact that his time is running out, and he hasn't had nearly as huge of an impact on my life as my uncle did.

Just like that, past tense.

Did.

My parents came to tell me that my uncle, Michael "Mickey" Matejka, died suddenly and seemingly peacefully in his home on Monday night or Tuesday morning.

Uncle Mickey was an amazing guy. He never asked for anything and yet he deserved so much. He was so giving that he wouldn't let us pay for his birthday dinner when we would go out to celebrate every year, he instead insisted that he pay for everyone's dinner for his own birthday.

I have nothing but fond memories of Uncle Mickey. From kindergarten through 8th grade he would pick my brother and I up from school on Thursdays. Even through high school he would take us out for ice cream, and in the summer he would still find time to see us every week to take us out to a movie and ice cream or lunch.

He always asked the waitresses/waiter if they were in school. He always tipped better if they were.

One of my fondest memories of him is when, on June 26th 2003, he took me to Summerfest. I'd been to Summerfest just about every year as far back as I can remember, but this was the first and only time that it was just the two of us. We arrived early, and spent the day walking around listening to new bands, Peter Gabriel, and then "Weird Al" Yankovic. At the Peter Gabriel concert we shared a pack of above-average-tasting raw hot dogs that he'd been carrying around all day because he'd forgotten to give them to my father (his brother) earlier that day, and we were two of the few (if any) people who got upgraded from the free grass seating to the low-cost chair seats "because we look like father and son," according to my uncle. It was an amazing day.

On that very day, as luck would have it, in that age before cell phones had cameras, we got our picture taken by a booth promoter with an instant camera.

As you can probably tell by the photo, he was an upbeat guy. Uncle Mickey loved to laugh. His laugh was distinct; loud and rough, and you couldn't go very long talking to him without hearing it. With Uncle Mickey, everything was funny. He even found reason to laugh at his own misfortunes, which is something I took as a lesson for myself.

And boy did he have misfortunes. Either Uncle Mickey was an incredibly unlucky guy, or he just wasn't too shy to talk about his bad luck. From being born on a date that would later be known for hijacked planes and tragedy, to an ex-girlfriend who drove him on the wrong side of the freeway, to being accused of carrying a bomb and getting surrounded by police and the bomb squad when he was a mailman, Uncle Mickey had no shortage of stories to look back on and laugh about.

Another quirky trait of his that has become an inside joke to my brother and I was his distinct ability to misremember the names of the restaurants we frequently ate at. No matter how many times we corrected him, "The Charcoal Grill" became "The Charcoal Broil" and "Culver's" became "Carvell's" or "Carvers". It didn't matter to him what they were called, as long as we wanted to join him there.

Overall my uncle Mickey was a fantastic guy. He was a huge part of my childhood and continues to be a huge influence in my life. I feel obligated to say that this just isn't fair and that he needed more years, but the truth is that fairness has nothing to do with it and he lived a full life - it is I who wants more years and more memories with him. He always said that when his time came he preferred it happened in his sleep, and while I don't know the details of his final moments at the time of writing this, from what little I know it sounds like it was peaceful, and he deserved at least that much.

I love him very much, and I will miss him terribly.
-Ryan

Update on my Grandfather, Snow, and Sickness

My grandfather returned to the hospital. Apparently his sodium levels were dangerously low, and things were looking grim. The doctors managed to strap him up to a feeding tube, and now people are talking about him actually getting better. His heart is a different story. It's been through a lot, and there's no way it's going to magically get better, but I saw him again and he's at least looking more lively.

He even told us a joke:

In France, in the age of the guillotine, three men were sentenced to death. A lawyer, a priest, and an engineer. The lawyer was first to the guillotine. They had him face upwards so he could see the blade coming. The executioner pulled the lever and the blade fell, but stopped halfway down.
"It's a miracle! It's a sign! This man is innocent!" people exclaimed, and the lawyer was set free.
The priest was next. They placed him in the guillotine face up, let the blade loose, and again it stopped itself.
"It's a miracle! It's a sign! This man is innocent!" people exclaimed, and the priest was set free.
The engineer was last to the guillotine. They placed him under the blade, face up like the last two.
"Oh, I see what the problem is!" he said.

It's nice to see him getting back to his old self, but I know it won't last forever. In fact, my fiancée and I were watching the Disney/Pixar movie "Up" together, and I balled my eyes out as I watched the introduction sequence where the boy grows up, gets married, and grows old enough to watch his wife die. I've seen the movie before and I knew it was coming, but it felt so real after having just seen my grandfather, an old man with an entire life story, lying so vulnerable in a hospital bed.

Work is the same. I know my internship deadline is coming up, and I feel helpless to do anything about it. I can work as hard as I possibly can, but if they decide they want someone with years of experience doing something I don't understand instead of a fresh-out-of-college copywriter, I'm out of the picture no matter how hard I work.

Yesterday was a bit of a snowstorm here in white wonderful winter Wisconsin, and I'm feeling a bit under the weather (it's either a cold or my allergies have mysteriously transcended seasonal limits). My boss let me go home early from work, and after double the normal driving time I was able to spend some much needed rest and relaxation with my fiancée. We'd had plans to go out that had to be suspended due to the snow, but I'm not the sort of person who needs to leave home to have a good time. I love when it's just the two of us cuddled together under a blanket eating pasta and watching a movie. It's the best.

Don't worry, I'm still hard at work writing short stories and my novel. Things are going pretty well in that department, actually. One day I was inspired with three whole new ideas for short stories and a particular scene in my novel, so I've got plenty to work on.

Summer cannot get here fast enough.

-Ryan

Marriage, Employment, Old Age, and Identity Crisis

Generally speaking I've kept this blog light. I've kept it somewhat topical. This past week I realized that a part of me misses keeping a journal, so I've decided to blog more like I would write in my journal, if only this once.

Life is complicated. In a few months I'll be getting married, I have no idea if I'll be employed then, my grandfather was just in the hospital, and to top it off I've been experiencing an identity crises for the past several years that's still affecting me today.

The wedding is exciting, but still a bit much to wrap my head around at times. There's no doubt that I'm in love, and I've  been living with my fiancée for almost four years so it's really just a signed paper and celebration, but I can't help but feel intimidated by permanence of it.

What if we grow apart? We've been dating since high school, so I know we've already grown up quite a bit and luckily it's been for the better, but what if careers or something force us apart? For the most part I'm just happy. For the most part I'm overexcited to marry the coolest lass I've ever known. But still, anything can happen.

As for my "job" (I say that in quotation marks because I'm technically an intern), I have no job security and a wedding coming up. They say they've got me as an intern till at least the end of April, but the wedding is in June. They say there's a chance that I'll get hired full-time, part-time, or freelance, but they also might let me go or just extend the internship for the third time. The worst thing is that they won't know what they're going to do with me until the beginning of April. So if they tell me they're going to let me go, that means I have one month to find a job that can support my fiancée and I. I'm fairly certain that my boss is in my corner but the decision isn't up to him; it's up to his boss.

I know it's my first office job, but sometimes I feel like a square peg in a round hole. I like the atmosphere and people enough, but from time to time I worry that some of them have something against me. Something I can't influence or dissuade. I've gotten pretty good at just going with the flow and ignoring my paranoia, but it's still there. It's just another layer of uncertainty on top of an entirely uncertain job. What if they don't like me?

And then there's my grandfather. The only grandfather I've ever had. He's survived multiple heart attacks, a war, and cancer, and he's made it all the way into his 80s. He's not a quitter. The idea that his time is nearing an end (perhaps not right now, but soon) is crazy for me to think about, especially since I've been fortunate enough to make it over two decades of life without losing any loved ones. I've known a person or two that have passed, but never anyone as close to me as him. I've never been good at dealing with those deaths, and it terrifies me to think of how I'll deal with his eventual passing.

I don't like to live with regrets. That's why I visited him in the hospital and told him I love him. He's got it in his head that he was a mean old man to my brother and I when we were younger, but neither of us remembers him like that. He may have been tough on us, but we always knew he loved us. In recent years he's made it his priority to ease up and show it more, but we always knew it was there.

As for my identity crisis? I'm not ready to talk about it in depth, and this post is getting a bit long. The gist of it is that I was raised with one set of beliefs and one way of living, and over the course of the past several years all of that has been challenged. I'm afraid to say that it feels like it's put a huge wall between my parents and I. I try to bring the wall down when I can, but it's still there. Still looming over me.

Among all these sources of stress I'm incredibly fortunate to have my fiancée around, who always keeps things simple, and helps me along every step of the way.
-Ryan