Generally speaking I've kept this blog light. I've kept it somewhat topical. This past week I realized that a part of me misses keeping a journal, so I've decided to blog more like I would write in my journal, if only this once.
Life is complicated. In a few months I'll be getting married, I have no idea if I'll be employed then, my grandfather was just in the hospital, and to top it off I've been experiencing an identity crises for the past several years that's still affecting me today.
The wedding is exciting, but still a bit much to wrap my head around at times. There's no doubt that I'm in love, and I've been living with my fiancée for almost four years so it's really just a signed paper and celebration, but I can't help but feel intimidated by permanence of it.
What if we grow apart? We've been dating since high school, so I know we've already grown up quite a bit and luckily it's been for the better, but what if careers or something force us apart? For the most part I'm just happy. For the most part I'm overexcited to marry the coolest lass I've ever known. But still, anything can happen.
As for my "job" (I say that in quotation marks because I'm technically an intern), I have no job security and a wedding coming up. They say they've got me as an intern till at least the end of April, but the wedding is in June. They say there's a chance that I'll get hired full-time, part-time, or freelance, but they also might let me go or just extend the internship for the third time. The worst thing is that they won't know what they're going to do with me until the beginning of April. So if they tell me they're going to let me go, that means I have one month to find a job that can support my fiancée and I. I'm fairly certain that my boss is in my corner but the decision isn't up to him; it's up to his boss.
I know it's my first office job, but sometimes I feel like a square peg in a round hole. I like the atmosphere and people enough, but from time to time I worry that some of them have something against me. Something I can't influence or dissuade. I've gotten pretty good at just going with the flow and ignoring my paranoia, but it's still there. It's just another layer of uncertainty on top of an entirely uncertain job. What if they don't like me?
And then there's my grandfather. The only grandfather I've ever had. He's survived multiple heart attacks, a war, and cancer, and he's made it all the way into his 80s. He's not a quitter. The idea that his time is nearing an end (perhaps not right now, but soon) is crazy for me to think about, especially since I've been fortunate enough to make it over two decades of life without losing any loved ones. I've known a person or two that have passed, but never anyone as close to me as him. I've never been good at dealing with those deaths, and it terrifies me to think of how I'll deal with his eventual passing.
I don't like to live with regrets. That's why I visited him in the hospital and told him I love him. He's got it in his head that he was a mean old man to my brother and I when we were younger, but neither of us remembers him like that. He may have been tough on us, but we always knew he loved us. In recent years he's made it his priority to ease up and show it more, but we always knew it was there.
As for my identity crisis? I'm not ready to talk about it in depth, and this post is getting a bit long. The gist of it is that I was raised with one set of beliefs and one way of living, and over the course of the past several years all of that has been challenged. I'm afraid to say that it feels like it's put a huge wall between my parents and I. I try to bring the wall down when I can, but it's still there. Still looming over me.
Among all these sources of stress I'm incredibly fortunate to have my fiancée around, who always keeps things simple, and helps me along every step of the way.
-Ryan
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